I have been feeling like a part of me is missing lately. I realized the other day what it was. I miss my birth mom. I can’t help but to think about her, hope and pray that she is alive and well. I want to apologize to her for being angry with her for so long. I feel bad for even missing her because I have a family. I am afraid that if I do come in contact with her my mom will be angry and never forgive me. I don’t want to lose one to gain another. Maybe I should let it be. It’s been like 13 years without her. So maybe she doesn’t miss me, or worse doesn’t even remember me. Is my heartache enough to cause someone else pain and sorrow. I don’t know what to do. I mean I can probably find her. She probably is in Elgin Mental health center; she is usually only out 6 weeks out of year. I know if I had a kid that I couldn’t take care of due to a mental illness and she was all grown up and wanted to see me I would be ecstatic, especially if I spent the first 7 years with her. I wish I knew what to do.
On a happier note, I am going to college. I start March 3. It’s an online college, so I guess to some it’s not a huge deal, but to me it’s a major deal. My mom told me I would never go to college, and well here I am. I will be working on getting my degree in psychology. I am working on getting my bachelors. I want to go all the way up to my PsD (my doctorate in clinical psychology.)
I want to help teens that think they are alone and no one knows how they feel because I have most likely been there. I want to show them that there is still humanity in the world. I also want to be a social worker for the DCFS (Department of Children and Family Service) for a few years or so. I want to be the social worker that I never had while I was in the foster care system. I also want to work with addictions. Cause more and more teens and young adults are suffering from some form of addiction.
I also want to help to reduce the stigma that is behind mental illness. I want to prove that just because someone has a mental illness, whether it be bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, eating disorders &/or borderline personality disorder, or a mix of it all or something different, that they are still viable members of society. Some just need therapy others need a combination of therapy and meds. I am not saying they will never have a relapse but it is usually manageable if they stick to their treatment plan. I also want to prove that Self harm is more than a teenage problem, or a cry for help. I just want to at least make one person’s life better.
Peace out and blessed be